This Gave Me Chills

It's long, but please watch.

Thank you thank you thank you!

First things first...I am completely overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the comments and emails I received from my last post.  To say you made a huge difference in how I felt is an understatement.  I've never felt such love and support, and I wanted to thank you for helping me not regret posting my secret.  I have to admit--as soon as I hit "publish post" I panicked and nearly deleted the whole thing.   I am really glad I didn't.  So THANK YOU.  I never thought that I would find such amazing people by writing this blog.  Your words of encouragement and advice will be taken to heart, and I truly feel like I can get through this.

How were your holidays?  Mine were great--I focused on quality time with the family and tried not to let the work fiasco get to me.  It worked pretty well!  The only regret from the weekend is the insane amount of homemade caramels I consumed.  I don't know how many calories each piece is, but I'm sure it is a lot.  To combat the feeling of sudden fatness I felt yesterday after waking up, I made a goal to run at least 7 miles that evening.  I made it to 7.2 before my watch battery died and it got dark.  It felt great to get out!

I have a bunch of pictures I will upload later.  My favorite thing from the weekend was taking family pictures with my hubby's family.  Let's just say it took a whole lot of patience and was hilarious!

What was your favorite thing about the weekend?

My Dirty Little Secret

So...I should probably expand a little more on yesterday's blog post.  I don't really want to, but I think it will help me in the long run to be completely open and vulnerable and honest on this blog.  So, here goes:

I've suffered from depression for quite a while.  I don't think anyone close to me knows this.  I've kept it secret and private because I find it horribly embarrassing to admit.  I don't want to be the person who cries herself to sleep at night, so I just don't let people know because it makes it less real for me.  My family (except my husband) doesn't have a clue there has ever been anything wrong.

http://www.twloha.com/

From 2005 to 2009 it was nearly unbearable.  I'd been at the extreme end where I was a cutter and harming myself.  There were nights and days where I was so disgusted with myself that I literally wanted to hack myself apart.  Very disturbing, but true.  My life is good; it's just the way I feel about myself that leads me to do these crazy things.

Fortunately, I have made a lot of progress over the last year.  I no longer hurt myself when I'm disappointed or frustrated or depressed.  I am doing a better job of communicating with my husband so I don't get to the point where my emotions overrun me and I'm curled up in a ball on the floor in the bathroom crying my eyes out.  One thing that has helped me find some self esteem in the last year has been my job.  I finally found something that I was good at and that gave me a sense of pride in myself.  It was something I focused on when times got tough and gave me hope.  I knew I was good at that one thing and it couldn't be taken away from me.

Flash forward to yesterday--review time.  I've been busting my butt at work this year working 60+ hours a week and sacrificing personal time to make sure that things at work were going smoothly.  My customers appreciate me and I have a good relationship with them.  I was under the impression that I was kicking butt.

My impression was very wrong.  I walked into my review feeling pretty optimistic until my boss told me I rated as dead last in his division.

Let me repeat that.  DEAD LAST.

I am his worst performer.

I don't even know how to describe how upsetting it was and is for me.  I had placed so much of my self value into my performance at work that I don't know how to undo it.

....

I cried the whole way home.  It wouldn't be so bad if I had slacked off this year and knew I could improve or do better this year.  That way I could be optimistic about next year because there would be hope for improvement.  But I feel like there isn't hope--I poured my heart into my work and gave the very best of me only to find out that it wasn't enough.  My very best is last place.

I was trying so hard last night to not let this effect me.  I tried counting my blessings (I have a wonderful husband...I'm not unemployed...I have a great family...I've lost weight this year...)  One by one I counted them to try to erase the feeling of complete failure that was wrapping its wretched arms around me.  I would like to say it helped, but it really didn't.

I ended up the evening by counting my failures instead as tears streamed down my face.  I remembered a fight that I had had with my husband earlier this year where he said: "Name one thing you do consistently well."  He was referring to around the house (I've mentioned that I suck at keeping a clean house), but I took it further than that and sat there pondering his words and realized that the only thing I could truly say I did consistently well at was my job.

Where does that leave me now?  No matter my husband tells me (he made a list last night of things he thinks I do well), I cannot convince myself I have one thing in my life I do consistently well.  I want to be able to.  I don't want to be depressed.  I want to finally have self esteem.  I want to be happy and carefree like I was a few years ago before I lost myself.

I've decided that for now I am going to try to pour myself into my training and health.  The one glimmer of hope that stood out for me last night in the rubble was that I've done an okay job of losing weight and getting healthier.  I definitely haven't given it my all and I know I could do much better at it, but I still am getting results and I am much better off than I was at the beginning of the year.  This will be my ray of sunshine that gets me through this.  I've got a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth towards my job right now, so instead of working myself to death at work I'm going to devote the extra time towards reaching goals that only I can judge myself against.

I'm still not sure that I should share all of this on my blog, but I'm going to anyway.  And for those of you concerned that I might have harmed myself last night, I am proud to say that I did not.  That's progress, right? In any case, if any of you out there are suffering from depression like me and need help here is a great place to start.  We are not alone in this and it can get better.

It will get better.

Defeated

Today was a bad day.

It had nothing to do with being healthy--I did fine there thankfully.  But in regards to my life as a whole, today really sucked.

Send me some good vibes--I could use a pick me up.

15 Days Until Departure...

...That's what Delta tells me regarding my upcoming flight to Florida.  Why am I going to Florida?  Oh that's right...the Ragnar Relay Race.  The race that I have barely had time to train for.  YIKES.  That countdown was quite a bit of a wake up call for me.  I need to start running about 5 miles daily and get in 8+ mile runs on the weekend.

Can't wait to run across this bridge...

Did I mention I'm burnt out from running?

I brought this up to a coworker a few days ago (he's an avid runner during the summer) and asked him how to deal.  He brought up a very interesting question: Am I burnt out from running or burnt out from the stress of trying to find the time to run and still have a life?  Yeah...I'm gonna go with the second one.  I LOVE the feeling of completing a run (notice how I didn't say I loved the feeling of running?  Not quite there yet...), but I don't like feeling like all I do in my day is wake up, work, come home, run, go to sleep.  It brings me back to the talk of balance.  I have none.  I can't wait until there is more sunlight in the day.  I think it will help!

That being said, I am SO GLAD that I signed up for this race.  It has kept my mind focused on losing weight and trying to stay active.  Without it I'm afraid I would've permanently fallen off the wagon.  I can't wait to report back on how it went!

Caramels, Divinity, and Sugar Cookies...Oh My!

My divinity wasn't even CLOSE to this pretty...

Oh boy.  What a weekend!  I was supposed to stay in Nebraska until Saturday when my installation would be finished.  However, Mother Nature had other ideas and caused a storm that delayed half of my shipments so they wouldn't arrive until Monday.  Joy?  So, I called my boss and he said to just come home on Friday and then fly back out here on Sunday.  After a few plane trips and some long drives to Omaha, I made it home in time to go relax in my friend's apartment hot tub with my husband.  It was SO NEEDED.  It was about 30 degrees outside which made the hot water feel perfect.  I'm going to have to plan some more hot tub visits in the very near future.

I also dared to bake this weekend.

One of the hardest things about being a healthier individual is that I can no longer bake whenever I want to.  I used to bake cookies and brownies and cakes pretty regularly, and I miss the smells wafting through my house after a day spent in the kitchen.  My office is having a "Cookie Exchange" today that I had signed up for so I knew I had to bake a bunch of items this weekend to bring in to my coworkers.  Even though I am now in Nebraska instead of the office, I baked a few things for my husband to bring into work (we work at the same place).  It was so much fun!  I allowed myself a few indulgences, and was surprised at how quickly my body told me to stop.  I used to be able to eat those treats until there was nothing left, but I was having a hard time eating more than a few pieces.  I just can't handle sugar like I used to!  Part of me was disappointed that I couldn't enjoy more of the sweets, but the majority of me was VERY happy.  I didn't realize I'd made such progress.

Can anyone else believe that Christmas will be here this weekend?  Doesn't it seem like 2010 just began?  Where the heck does all the time go?

Cornhusker Country

Lincoln, NE

Today I am in Lincoln, Nebraska.  It's my first time ever being in this state!  It's nice and cold, but then again Utah is nice and cold so that's nothing new for me!  I'll be here until Saturday overseeing an installation.  I came prepared for working out--thank goodness for 24 hour fitness centers in hotels!  I'll be scheduling an appointment with the treadmill later this evening.  I need to get a good run in to alleviate the stress I've had this week.  Nothing like a good workout to make it all okay.

I will be here later today!

I've decided that airports need fitness centers as well.  Or indoor tracks.  What a great way to spend a layover!  The only issue would be the sweaty people on the plane afterwards...but maybe they could do mandatory showers.  Just a thought.  Somebody out there--make it happen!  :)

Can you believe that Christmas is only 8 days away?  I need to get my Christmas shopping done!  And I have to make the goodie trays for all the neighbors and coworkers.  Heaven help me--that will be temptation heights.  My biggest weakness is Christmas caramels.  I truly could eat 500 hundred of them and still want more. I'm practicing my self-control right now because I'm going to need it!

 What is your favorite indulgence over the holidays?

Sense

This photo makes none...

http://www.unicorn-pictures.com/robocop-on-a-unicorn

RoboCop on a Unicorn

RoboCop - part man, part machine, all cop - is riding his trusted unicorn through a lush garden in this exquisitely composed painting. RoboCop is lacking certain mobility due to the robot parts, so having a unicorn is a great advantage for catching criminals and protecting the public.

I found this on the internet today.  Don't ask me what I was searching for that lead me here...but I feel like I struck gold.  Today is looking better.  Thank goodness for the randomness of the internet.

Clean all the things?

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

I feel like I've been balancing way too many things lately: day-to-day work, traveling work, working out, house work, etc.  Many different types of work, and all are equally important.  With the amount of traveling I've been doing lately, it has become increasingly hard to follow through on all these items.  Today my ability to balance all these things came to a crashing halt.

I can't do it anymore.

And I don't know what to do because I have no other option than to continue doing all these things.

My one-on-one time with my hubby isn't nearly enough; last night was the first time in two weeks that we've had a night to spend with each other.  But this morning the stress of my responsibilities caught up with him and we ended up having a fight that led to me leaving for work in tears.  I don't blame him for being frustrated; I chose to slack on my house work chores instead of giving up the other things so the house is a mess.  Let me state that again--a MESS.  It's driving me crazy and I know it's bugging him more (because he is actually home to suffer through it).

This level of stress isn't the way to live a life.  I can't quit my job, I won't quit working out, and I have to maintain my house responsibilities.

Readers--I need advice.  How can I manage this better?  I feel like I'm a rubber band stretched so thin that I'm about to break and lash out at something.  What should I do?

Where the heck have I been?

I certainly haven't been updating like a good girl should!  But that's okay...I have a good reason!  I was out of town in Pittsburgh and then spent the weekend in New York City.  Yay!

Santa Mail!

Saw the Rockette's Show--Loved it!

It was a quick business trip, but I made the most of my time.  I even went for a 7 mile run in Central Park on Saturday!  It felt good to finally get in a longer run and be outside.  After the run, I even walked another 2 miles to my hotel!  I definitely got some good exercise in while there.

I would like to say I'll be back to regular updates over the next few days, but unfortunately I will be going out of town again for business tomorrow.  Talk about  busy!  I'm trying my best to maintain a consistent workout schedule, and I've been doing pretty well.  Hopefully it pays off!

That is MUCH better...

I am VERY happy to report that I finally kicked my lazy butt in gear and went for a run last night.  Nothing like the threat of race failure to motivate you!  I knew that it would be difficult because I hadn't ran for so long, which is probably why I delayed so long in starting up again in the first place!!

I won't bore you with the details of my run, but in quick summary it was 3 miles and my pace was slower than what it was a month ago.  I nearly had an asthma attack (serves me right!) but managed to push through and have a good run.  It felt SO GOOD to be running again.  My legs and lungs felt alive and I felt strong.  I also didn't feel like a slacker anymore, which is always a good thing!

These last few weeks have been a bit eye-opening.  I gave myself a little too much rope and nearly hung myself with it.  I know for a fact that if I hadn't had a race scheduled in January I would've stopped running and working out and ended my journey before I got a chance to fully participate.  It would've been the same thing I always do--work out hard, get results, and once I get to an okay weight, stop, gain weight back, repeat cycle.  That's not okay.  It scares me to death, and I'm not sure the best way to overcome it.  The only thing I know for sure is that I need to sign up for a race every month for the rest of my life.  No joke.  I can't afford to not keep myself on track.

You might have noticed that I also skipped taking my measurements for the last two weeks.  That's a slippery slope as well.  I didn't take them because I knew they would be bigger than the weeks before.  Isn't that all the more reason I should take them and get back on track?  Apparently my brain couldn't handle the disappointment.  In any case, I measured myself today.  I posted a slight weight gain from last week.  I'm not disappointed--I'm lucky I didn't gain 5 lbs this month.  It's a fluke that I didn't.

My weight loss has been painfully slow.  I've been doing this for 19 weeks and am averaging less than a pound lost per week.  I'm happy that I've lost weight, but disappointed because I KNOW without a doubt I am capable of more.  I haven't been fully committed.  I believe in moderation, but I definitely stretched that principle to the limit and broke it a few million times.  I've been logging into MFP, but haven't been actually submitting any of the days logged.  I let the calories from the last half of the day just add up into oblivion and not take the final step of accountability.  No excuses for that.

I know what works.

I know what I need to do.

Time to go do it.

December is Trying to Kill Me

Well, at least my travel schedule in December is...

"Occasionally" I travel for work.  I put the quotation marks around "occasionally" because for whatever reason, I will be traveling nearly every weekend this month for work.  For me, that ends up feeling a lot more like "frequently" or "all the dang time" rather than "occasionally."

It's leading to extreme failure in regards to my relay training.  I have GOT to come up with a game plan to make it through these next few weeks.  There are only FOUR WEEKS until I'll be in Florida running my heart out!  Guess how long it has been since I've ran?  Ummm...four weeks this Friday.  That is NOT okay!  The illness played a huge factor in it, but I'm better now and still haven't gone.  As Scooby would say: "Ruh roh!"

So, the game plan is as follows:

• Cram all my running gear into my suitcase.  Run on treadmills at the hotels no matter how boring it may be.  30 minutes of boredom is manageable!
• Stalk myfitnesspal.com.  Stalk it like a hot ex boyfriend.
• Revise my training schedule to accommodate the travel dates.
• Commit!

I need to add some new races to my schedule for after December as well.  Knowing that I have a race coming up is the only thing that is making me continue to work out.  Scary thought, but very true.  I want to be active, I want to be healthy, I want to feel and look sexy, but when it comes to actually following through on those desires the only thing that works is the fear of having a very painful race due to lack of training.  Not the best motivation, but it works so it'll have to do!  

There is a half marathon in St. George in January that is really interesting me.  I'll be (hopefully) trained up to half marathon level by the time I run Ragnar so I should be able to complete one.  I hesitate to sign up right now, however, because I will be in China for the week before the race so I don't know if I can get in all the right runs.  I'll have to see how I feel after today's run and see how much I lost by taking the unplanned running hiatus.

Also, as a side note that I can't help but mention--I went to a funeral for a dear family member who passed away last week due to health complications.  Most of her health complications could be directly tied to her weight.  It was a painful reminder of the importance of getting our health under control before our lives are cut tragically short.  So--let's stay the course and finish what we started.  We owe it to ourselves to be as healthy as we can.  It isn't just about fitting into skinny jeans (even though that is wonderful perk).  It's about living a long, healthy, active and fulfilled life.

This Post is Brought to You at 36,000 Feet

You gotta love technology.  As I type I am traveling 36,000 feet in the air on an airplane and blazing the internet at lightning fast speeds.  And, thanks to Google Chrome it is free for the month!  Happy travels indeed...

I have good (non-weight related) news to share.  I mentioned a while ago that I wouldn't cut off my pinky for $200,000 because then I wouldn't be able to play the piano.  What I didn't tell you is that I haven't been able to play the piano for several years due to a severe lack of piano.  As in I don't own one.  I only get to play when I visit my family in Idaho, which is never enough!

She's even prettier in real life!  SO HAPPY!

Anyway, I've been wanting a piano for years and diligently saving funds up for the specific purpose of buying a piano.  And yesterday?  I FINALLY bought one!!!!!  I bought a used Yamaha (thus saving a boatload of money while still getting a great piano), and it will be in my home by the time I return from my business trip.  Best. Day. Ever.

What is something you have wanted for so long that you finally were able to get through hard work?

Another NSV!

So, I work at a pretty awesome company.  We sell beautiful interior design plastics that can be used in a large variety of applications.  It's actually pretty beautiful stuff:

Anyway, we are frequently making new brochures and taking photos of our product.  They use employees as the "models" in the shots, and as you can imagine they rarely use someone who is overweight.

Well...I was just walking through one of the rooms and one of the marketing guys stopped me and said, "Hey...are you busy right now?  Can we borrow you for a few minutes?"

"Sure...what for?"

"We need you to model for a shot we are taking."

!!!!!

It's not a big deal really because they are just small shots that don't always make it to print, but the fact that I was considered as an option totally made my day!  Success!!!!  I had to share the good news.  I've been focusing a lot on the bad lately so I'm trying to make a point to talk about the good when it occurs.  As we all know, the good keeps us more motivated than any of the bad.

Anyway--have a great Wednesday!  If I don't post tomorrow or Friday it is because I am in Milwaukee for a couple days of work.  Wish me luck!

WWI (No, not World War I...)

WWI = Weekly Weigh In!

Admittedly, I was laaaaate this morning getting ready for work so I did not have time to take my measurements. But I did take a quick hop on the scale and was very happy to see that I dropped back into the 140s again and am at 149.6.  Hoorah!  The last few days of damage control helped bring my weight back down.  It was scary there for a few days...

Why was I late this morning?  Well, I was busy giving myself a major pep talk about my clothing choice for the day.  You see, I've never been able to wear "skinny" jeans.  They have always made my legs look short and chunky.  It's disturbing.  I've also never been able to wear jeans inside boots because my calves were too big to fit into the boots, let alone adding an extra layer of fabric.

But today?

Awwwww yeah...I'm wearing my cute new boots that I bought last week with some true skinny jeans that I bought on a whim last night at Kohls for under $20.  I was so nervous to go out of the house in them because I still see myself as the overweight girl--the one who can attempt to wear cute clothes but never have it look quite right because my body gets in the way.  I had to convince myself that I wasn't that girl anymore and that I really could show up at work today in my outfit and not feel ridiculous.  It took me a long time to get the courage to walk out the door...but guess what?  When I got to work, a few of my coworkers instantly commented on how cute my boots were.  It was probably the best NSV I've had to date!  Hooray!!