When Your Body Talks, Listen...

So rather than post on Day 2 of DC (I'll do that Monday!), I thought I would share this article I read today on my local news site. I loved the message. I think so many of us can relate.  This is definitely something I struggle with and that I am working on every single day.

"My body woke me up when the sky was still dark and my house was quiet.

Take me for a walk?

It asked.

I shuffled about in the shadows of my house putting on shoes, finding a shirt, throwing on a jacket, pulling up my hair.

Outside was spring-like, not the bone-chilling reception we've had these past few months.

The birds were up too, perched high in the bare trees, chatty, noisy little things.

I walked and walked, talked myself into climbing up an inclined street until I reached the top and looked out onto my still, frosted town. The red-roofed library, the stacked Kimball tower, the dark sky-scraping Nu Skin building, the white rounded temple, all in my view. I stopped and listened to the drumming of heartbeats in my ears.

That's when my body started talking to me.

You've got to trust me.

It told me.

When I am hungry, I will tell you.

You'll hear it in chambered echoes, grumbles and moans.

DON'T FEED ME until you hear my call.

When I am lonely, I will tell you.

A lump will well up in your throat, like you've swallowed cotton, and tears will form in your eyes.

DON'T FEED ME. Try making a connection with the fine collection of friends you love.

When I am anxious, I will tell you.

Your heart will beat fast, your breath will struggle to leave the lungs and you might feel full of fire.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, sit down and fight for those breaths. Let the oxygen pour into you — clearing the veins and vessels. Close your eyes. Identify the fear that is squeezing you.

When I feel depressed, I will tell you.

There will be a significant lack of energy, a slumpy reaction to bed-leaving. My mind will slow down and thoughts will become like black puffy clouds.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, fill your head back up with new thoughts, ideas from books and discussions. Replace the dirty fuel in your mind with clean energy.

When I feel stressed, I will tell you.

Like rubber bands squeezing around your cranium, your head throbbing, your stomach turning, your muscles tightening.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, write it all out, everything you are feeling. Look over the list and examine.

When I feel sick, I will tell you.

Fevers, aches, pains and physical discomfort.

DON'T FEED ME. Take care of me, bathe me, give me lots of water and put me to bed.

When I feel happy, I will tell you.

Goose bumps infiltrate your skin, you will feel light and airy, propped up on energy, buzzing in your blood.

DON'T FEED ME. Use the excess vivacity to spread your sentiments to someone else.

When I need exercise, I will tell you.

Your legs will ache to be walked, your back will beg to be stretched, your heart will ask to be throbbed.

DON'T FEED ME. Walk me. And don't exercise me until I say so, please, or we will battle.

When I feel lazy, content, competitive, peaceful, overwhelmed, snippy, snappy, hot, cold, tired, frustrated, thirsty, full, beaming and bright, I will tell you.

DON'T FEED ME. None of these sentiments require food. Excess surplus will have to be stored. I will have to make more of us — human shelves in rolls and lumps — to organize the overflow intake. Don't make me do that, please. There are babies to feed, children to squeeze, a husband to kiss. Right now, we don't have a lot of steam to become a storage facility as well.

But when I feel hungry, I will send you a message of emptiness of stomach, dizziness of head, a sensation in your mouth extending into your throat that reads, I NEED FOOD. PLEASE DON'T STARVE ME.

Then, feed me."

Written by Jane Kendrick, the creator of the award-winning blog cjanerun.com 

Washington DC - Day One!

First off, let me just say that I loved Washington, D.C.   It was clean, warm, and beautiful.  I'm sure a lot of my love for it had to do with the fact that it was full-on spring there, but there were many other things I loved as well!

My flight landed at around 4 and I had a few hours to spare before picking Jess up at the airport, so I headed to the Washington DC temple to kill some time.  This temple is kind of tucked away and sneaks up on you outta nowhere!  The thick trees really help to conceal it.  As always, the temple grounds and the temple itself were beautiful!

DC Temple

After leaving the temple, I headed back towards Reagan airport to get Jess.  Her flight landed around 10 so it was definitely the end of the day for us.  We drove to Gainesville to Jill's house and promptly went to bed.  

The next morning we woke up early and got ready to head back into DC.  We had intended to get most of the stuff at the National Mall done in one day, but as anyone knows who has ever been to DC that is pretty much impossible.  So we actually only got a few things done!  

We started at Ford's Theatre where President Lincoln was assassinated.  It was a bit surreal to be at a place where such an important moment in American history occurred.  They had a nice museum in the basement and then they put on a short 30-minute play in the theater itself.  At first I wasn't very thrilled at the idea of the play, but I actually really enjoyed it.  I wouldn't miss the play if you go there to visit.

The gun that killed Lincoln

This is the gun that killed Lincoln and it was TINY.  You could seriously conceal it in your hand and no one would be able to tell you had anything.  Small, but quite deadly.  

After touring the museum and theater, we headed across the stress to the home where Lincoln actually died.  They have done a good job of replicating things as they were during that time.

After Ford's theater, we headed to the Capitol for a tour with Senator Hatch's interns.  We had scheduled the tour several weeks in advance and it was significantly better than the tours you get by simply walking up to the Capitol.  We even got to go on an underground train that connected all the buildings.  Fun, and efficient.

Surprisingly, I was kind of disappointed with the interior of the Capitol.  I think that Italy spoiled me rotten; I just wasn't all that impressed with the dome itself.  The rooms felt small and compared to the actual size of the building I was expecting more from it.  However, our tour guide was excellent and I'm glad that we went and saw all the historical rooms within the Capitol.  

Next, we headed down to the Washington Monument and the Tidal Basin.  Guess what I was most excited for?

Cherry blossoms!

I love flowering trees!

Capitol

Spring!

HUGE building

The walk from the Capitol to the monuments was looooong but pretty.  We walked past all the Smithsonians (so many of those!) and both Jess and I commented that Washington DC is definitely a runners' city.  SO MANY RUNNERS.  Seriously.  We saw hundreds and hundreds of runners over the course of the trip.  They have many walking paths to choose from.  We were surprised that with so many places to run they were running where the tourists walk, but I suppose it was probably the easiest location for them to get to.  In either case, I thought it was pretty cool that it is such an active city.

Washington Monument

Right next to the Washington Monument is the World War II Memorial.  It is really pretty!  Each marker signifies a state.  It is really well done.

WWII Monument

Finally, we made it to the Tidal Basin to see the cherry blossoms.  We wanted to make sure we hit these at full bloom (and before weather had a chance to destroy them!) and we nailed the timing.  They were PERFECT.  Soooo pretty and they smelled so good.  I seriously took hundreds of photos of them.  I couldn't help myself!

Tidal Basin

Pretty!

Jefferson Monument

Happy, happy girl

By the time we reached the Jefferson Monument the sunlight was fading fast and we had finished all we could in one day.  The sunset was gorgeous and the views from the stairs were amazing.  It was an excellent first day, even though we didn't get to do all we had planned to do.  That's okay, because we made up for lost time the next day...

Golden

Hey hey!  I am BACK from DC and cannot wait to share my pictures and stories from the trip.  It was seriously so much fun, and we saw way more than I think should be humanly possible in such a short amount of time.  My feet will never forgive me, but it was totally worth it.  Since I'm me, I took WAY too many photos and I am still filtering through them.  I figure I will do a day by day update post so that I can do justice to all the wonder that can be found in the heart of America's capital.

By the way, did you know it is my GOLDEN BIRTHDAY today?  Apparently that's a thing.  Google it.  I turned 28 on the 28th.  SO yeah, if I could have a party with all you lovely people I totally would.  I will be spending my birthday working and then having dinner with some of our married friends.  Should be good!

In the meantime, I will give you a small preview of some of the pretty things I saw in DC:

Blossoms!!

I highly recommend visiting DC during cherry blossom season--so pretty!

Washington DC Bound!

I bet you guys didn't know that I'm leaving for Washington DC tomorrow.  Ooooooh, but I am!  So very exciting.  I'm going with my partner in crime, Jess.  Since we don't have any running adventures planned for this year (boo), we decided to get a good travel adventure in instead (yay!).  I cannot WAIT!  We are staying with a friend of mine that I went to high school with and it's going to be super fun.

Even better?  We planned and managed to perfectly hit peak bloom on the cherry blossoms.  Oh yesssss.  There is going to be much photo taking from this girl.  Prepare yourselves!

Friday Feelings

I have feelings, y'all.  And Friday is apparently the day to talk about them because alliteration is awesome.

Or something...

Anyway, current thoughts/feelings (in no particular order):

• This week went by fantastically fast (note to self: stop with the alliteration).  The last few weeks have crawled by, but I woke up this morning surprised to discover that it was the end of the work week.  Holla!  This brings me joy.
• It's been extra windy in Utah this week.  My morning runs have been pretty entertaining because I do a loop run and when I turn around I go from dead silent (and speedy running) to feeling like (and sounding like) I'm running in a hurricane.  It's good fun.  I actually kind of like the challenge it presents to me.  It's like running in an invisible obstacle course.
• I'm down 4 pounds from last Friday.  Halle-freakin-lujah!!  This morning my scale said 158.8 and while a few months ago that would've been horrifying to me, I was SO happy to see that my hard work (and healthy eating--boo) have been paying off.  It's been a great reminder to know that I AM capable of losing weight if I just reign my temptations in.
• Tonight I go to Round 4 of the Crossfit Games to watch Hubster perform the workout.  As you might remember, last week I was feeling particularly down on myself after being surrounded by such healthy and fit women.  I felt like a fat cow.  To say that I left last week's event looking forward to going this week would be a lie.  At the time, I didn't even know how I was going to talk myself into being okay feeling that way again.  And to be honest, I guess I couldn't talk myself into it because it was the wake up call that had me back on track this week.  And thankfully, even though those four pounds probably aren't even noticeable, I FEEL better.  I know I am doing things to take care of the weight I don't like, and I feel like I'm moving forward.  I'm not dreading tonight's event at all.  

So yeah, that's what's on my mind today.  It's pretty insane how much of a difference mental perception makes when it comes to feeling good about oneself.  When I weigh 158 lbs and I don't work out, I feel fat, look fat, and want to cry.  When I weigh 158 lbs and I'm working out, I feel thinner, I look thinner to myself, and I want to celebrate my successes.  Dear Brain:  Please remember this!

Another proof of running photo! And my delicious fruit smoothie/protein drink!

As for workouts, I ran 3 miles this morning.  My Top of Utah Marathon shirt finally got it's shining moment!  It was warm outside, but windy and this shirt proved perfect for the conditions.  I really like it.  Also, it looks quite lovely against the bright yellow of my safety vest.  Too bad I didn't get a photo of that!

And since I've been posting nasty running photos of myself, I decided that I should probably remind you that I normally don't look like I've been running in a hurricane and share a recent photo.  Well, in my mind I don't think I normally look like that but others might beg to differ! Ha!

Any fun Friday plans?  What's on your mind today?  Share it in the comments!

Most Unflattering Photos YTD

You know how I said to prepare for the onslaught of "proof of running" photos?  Yeah, well this morning I decided it was time to begin said onslaught.  One problem--I've been running in the morning which means that I look super lovely (super lovely is code for puffy-eyed and zit-faced).

But alas, I am shameless so I will post these pictures anyway.  Because, hey, I want to show my proof of running 3 miles!

I'd originally been super stoked about wearing my Top of Utah Marathon tech tee for the first time, but the wind proved a bit too chilly for this breathable shirt.  Sad.  :(  It will get its glory moment someday soon.

Speaking of things getting their glory moment, I think that my right eye really deserves a shout out for its super awesome laziness in this photo.  I'm not even sure it is looking the same direction as lefty.  But whatevs.  It's a good look so I'm going with it.

In any case, 3 miles = done.  That's two runs this week for those of you counting (I know I am).  Not a bad way to spend my Pi Day.  It was pretty windy out, but that just gave me something to pay attention to.  One thing I wasn't paying attention to was the deer that came outta nowhere and nearly ran right into me.  I was in the middle of a freaking neighborhood!  Unexpected deer was unexpected!

Like this.  But only one deer.

Bambi was at a full-on sprint.  I was grateful that I wasn't running that particular mile any faster I would've totally been on a collision course.  Let's just say I was definitely awake from that moment on...

Fun fact: I slept for 11-something hours last night.  Oh yessssss.  It was LOVELY.  I've been absolutely zonked this entire week and just couldn't seem to catch up, so I decided to just give into the sleepies when they called.  And they called at 6 pm last night (or is that late afternoon?).  In any case, I listened.  And woke up for my run around 5ish in the morning.  It was fantastic and I don't even feel bad about it.  I highly recommend it to any of you considering it.  5 stars all around.

 Have any of you encountered something unexpected on a run?  Tell me about it in the comments!

Color Me Rad Run

Awwwwww yeah.  This is totally happening.  I cannot WAIT!

Fellow Utah runners--you should sign up for this and we should meet up afterwards!  I'd love to meet more of you!

An Avalanche of Warning Signs

Hmmmm....confession time, people.  I *may* have ran not just once, but twice in the past three days.  This comes after having not ran for at least a month.  Apparently all I needed was some much needed words of encouragement from you lovely people and some sunny weather.  That is a magical formula!  Thank you all SO MUCH for the comments you left.  You seriously don't know how much they meant to me and how badly I needed to hear them.

In addition to actually logging miles this past weekend, my eating was on track.  My calories for the weekend were at at deficit every day.  Where in the world did this come from?  After posting about how unmotivated I've been, suddenly I find myself highly motivated.  I'm not sure what the actual trigger was (it very well could've been those damn pants), but the good news is I'm feeling the love again and wanting to be the person I've been fighting to be for nearly two years now.

I need a little more "proof of running" photos in my life...prepare yourselves for them.

So let's catch up a bit on what happened this weekend that lead to the magic above.  I've already talked about the pants situation, but what I didn't mention was the Crossfit games situation that also happened on Friday.  After work, Hubster had his third week of the Crossfit games.  I went to his gym to cheer him on and found myself surrounded by so many healthy and fit women.  These were women with bodies straight off the pages of Runner's World and Shape magazine.  Rather than the celebrity models whose bodies seem unattainable, these women were actually real life and right in front of me.  And sadly, I don't think I've felt that fat or uncomfortable in public in a LONG time.  I found myself wanting to hide in the corner and not let anyone look at me.  What an awful feeling.

The scale also said 162.8 lbs on Friday (perhaps this was my trigger...?  We may have a winner.).  This means that of the 30 lbs total I've lost on this journey, I've gained back a whopping 15 lbs.  NOT ACCEPTABLE.  This may have been the straw that put this camel back on the weight loss train.

This weekend was an avalanche of warning signs--my pants don't fit, I'm embarrassed to be seen in public, and my weight is skyrocketing.  It is proof that I don't have this lifestyle under control like I thought I did.  It was a giant neon flashing sign saying "Get your life under control before it's too late!"

After I recovered from the shock of that weigh-in, I thought long and hard about the sacrifices and work I have put into getting down to 148 (my lowest weight on this journey so far).  Like I said, I've been doing this workout/eating right routine for almost 2 years with the goal of getting down to around 135.  Instead of losing the remaining 13 lbs, I gained an additional 15 lbs.  I was so frustrated and so upset and it did NOT help that my stupid pants were too tight!  I am not willing to go back down (or up...?) that road again.  I refuse to buy any more fat pants. 

I refuse!!

So, I had a salad for dinner on Friday night.  And I ran 5 miles the next morning.  And I logged my calories.  And logged them some more.  And then I woke my lazy butt up at 5 am for a 3-mile run (yeah--I decided to start morning workouts the day after Daylight Savings.  Perhaps that let's you know how frustrated I am with the weight gain!).  And guess what?  The scale rewarded me for my good behavior--159.8 this morning.

I'll take it.  Any downward trend is a mega blessing.  Oh, and I'm wearing those damn pants again today (hey, I washed them!) and they aren't *quite* as bad as they were on Friday.  That being said, three days of being on track does not solve the problem.  I'm going to take this ONE day at a time rather than focus so much on having to be "healthy" every day for the rest of my flipping life.  That = overwhelming.  One day at a time = manageable.

So that's where I'm at.

One meal at a time.  


One workout at a time.  

One day at a time.  

And slowly and surely I'll get this lifestyle change under control.

5 miles

5 beautiful miles have been ran.  Hallelujah!  I didn't think I still had it in me.  It was a fantastic run in fantastic weather.  I felt strong the entire time.

Nothing like a perfect run to soothe a tortured soul...

Today is a beautiful day to go for a run

...so that's just what I'm gonna do.

This moment

This moment. This moment right here.  This is why I still care and still continue.  I'm sitting here at a play and I just can't fully enjoy myself. Why? Because my damn pants are digging into my stomach because they are just too freaking tight. These same pants were too loose for me a few months ago.  I am furious that I'm back to this and I REFUSE to go up a pants size.  Ain't happening.  Instead, I will go running.  I will go running because feeling like this and worrying about this crap just sucks.  I'll run and I'll run until these stupid pants are falling off me.  And I'll remember this moment and the shame of the extra weight and I will use it as fuel for my fire.

I've lost faith.

I'm in a bad place, guys. A dark place. I've been trying to stay motivated and trying to care about eating healthy and losing weight but I just. don't. care.  And while it is good to keep trying and keep going through the motions rather than just give up, it's still not a very good place to be.

So what's causing it?

I've been trying to answer that question for months now. After all, it is the key to moving forward.  Today, I think I finally figured it out--I've lost faith.  I've lost faith in the promise of results. I've lost faith that if I eat right and work out hard that I can actually achieve the fabled perfectly toned body.  I've lost faith that all my efforts and sacrifices and struggles will be worth it.  I've lost faith in the scale.  I've lost faith in the mantra of "it's just calories in versus calories out."  I've been following that freaking mantra for a year and my weight hasn't nudged.  In fact, I'm gaining.  And I hate it.  And I hate that I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I feel like I'm destined to always be the fat girl no matter how hard I work.  I feel like no effort will ever get me to where I want to be. 

And that sucks.

I've lost faith in the process and I have no idea how to get it back.

Eventful week so far...

I'm in Idaho for my grandpa's funeral, and so far it has been pretty bittersweet. While it has been so so amazing to see family I haven't seen in many years, it has also been hard to hear the wonderful memories shared between us all and realize the man that made it all possible is no longer here.  Overall, however, I would say there is more joy than pain.  Thank you all for your kind comments--they meant so much to me!

I'll be in Idaho until Monday so if my posting is hectic you know why.  It's been a busy time so far, and complications were added today when I discovered I had an issue with my right eye. When I went to bed last night, my eyes were fine.  However, I woke up at 3 am and my right eye was super irritated and pretty red.  I took my contact out and noticed a small white dot (size of a freckle) on my iris. I thought it was weird, but was too tired to care.  I went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning and my eyes were still irritated, but they were improved from the night before.  I figured I would just let nature take its course and let it heal on its own.  However, that mentality didn't survive the day.  Long story short, I texted my friend who is doing an eye doctor residency and asked him if I should be worried about the little dot.  He was pretty concerned, so after a long while he finally convinced me to go to an (out of network) eye doctor.

Good thing!  Turns out I have a massive infection in my right eye and the beginnings of one in my left.  The doctor said it was a really good thing I came in when I did because the infection I have is known to get out of control really quickly. So yeah, glasses for the next week or so.

Lesson learned: white freckles on the eye mean BAD NEWS.

And now you know!